Nothing To Fear
When we were kids we believed in things that go bump in the night. We had our dad check under our beds for the boogey men. Not every night, but some nights when TV was too scary or 2nd grade too overwhelming. And there was an old wives’ tale going around that said if you were falling in your sleep and didn’t wake up before you landed you would die. Now I believed that one for sure. I don’t know what reliable soul told me that one, but I believed it. I fell in my dreams, but I always woke up before I landed. Whew! I’d think to myself and go back to sleep. I used to dream all the time I could fly too. I had bad dreams, but also very fun, freeing, wonderful dreams.
Now I’ve mentioned that I was very ill with bi-polar disorder when they first discovered it. Probably because my boy Davey was very sick and I had to keep him going. I used all my physical and emotional stores to care for him, so that when the illness hit me, I didn’t have a lot left to fight it with. It hit me hard. And then little Davey died after I’d been in the hospital about 1 month or so. With that to absorb I got worse. I had excellent care, and many people loved me and were praying for me. Yet many days it felt like I was fighting very hard and going nowhere.
Before I got sick my favorite Psalm was 139 and when I was feeling really bad I would recite it to myself, as much as I could remember:
1 O lord, thou hast searched me, and known me.
2 Thou knowest my downsitting and mine uprising, thou understandest my thought afar off.
3 Thou compassest my path and my lying down, and art acquainted with all my ways.
4 For there is not a word in my tongue, but, lo, O LORD, thou knowest it altogether.
5 Thou hast beset me behind and before, and laid thine hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me; it is high, I cannot attain unto it.
7 Whither shall I go from thy spirit? or whither shall I flee from thy presence?
8 If I ascend up into heaven, thou art there: if I make my bed in hell, behold, thou art there.
9 If I take the wings of the morning, and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea;
10 Even there shall thy hand lead me, and thy right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, Surely the darkness shall cover me; even the night shall be light about me.
12 Yea, the darkness hideth not from thee; but the night shineth as the day: the darkness and the light are both alike to thee.
One night I was lying in my bed trying to sleep. Sleep was the hardest thing for me, because it was hard for me to quiet my mind and get peaceful. I was just lying there fretting about this and that. All of a sudden, I heard the still small voice within me say “let go”. Let Go? That isn’t right I’ve gotta fight this thing. Persistently the thought was there, “Let Go.” Finally I let myself relax and inwardly say okay. Suddenly I felt myself falling fast and hard not like in a dream, more like in a horror flick. I thought, oh no I’m going to die. I’m not ready to die. I don’t want to die I want to live, please Dear God, let me live. I kept falling and falling and falling. Then I landed, not hard, but soft and gently. And I didn’t die, nor did I feel awake. I felt surrounded by the warmest, strongest, most all-encompassing, dearest love I had every felt or even imagined. I knew it was the amazing love of God.
Then it struck me I had hit the very depths and God was there. I had gone as low as my soul could go, and God was there surrounding me his love. And then I knew like the Psalmist, that I could climb to the highest heavens and descend to the deepest depths and no matter where I went the love of God would be there before me. “If I take the wings of the morning and dwell in the uttermost part of the sea, even there will thy had lead me and thy right had will hold me.” I was sick, but I was no longer afraid.
My doctors said that from that night forward, I started to get well. They didn’t need to tell me, I knew I was, but it was very nice to hear.
This is such a timely post. I have to remember that when I “land” it will be in the safety of God’s hands. I adore Ps 139! As soon as I read “let go” I had holy goosebumps. Thank you for sharing!
You’re welcome Mimi! Those who have been in the pit and felt the love of God like this are changed forever. Such assurance of constant care and ever present help in trouble as the bible says — is mine. I am so thankful!
well I didn’t get a story about a guy with a pumpkin for a head and wielding a big butcher knife yelling ‘I keel you” but your story was way better anyway! You just put me right there on the scene every time Libby, not a lot of people have the gift of making the reader feel as if they are there.
Well my father has the gift and I believe that’s where mine came from. Then you add an overwhelming amount of love and grace from my Father above and you have the story of my writing. Thanks for listening, Tom.
Fear seems to be Satan’s favorite weapon. Sure, vanity was his first appeal all those years ago in the garden, but fear tends to cascade. The Psalmist, David, knew.
How wonderful that you let go and fell into God’s warm embrace. He is faithful to his dear children.
Many a day I had and have fallen into the Lord’s warm embrace. Never before had I let go when I was fighting for my very sanity and life and felt such overwhelming love. I will never forget that day. God let me feel the magnitude of the love that he has for each one of us and I thank him for it. Thank you for your insight, Mark. You are a treasure!
I remember this time. It was indeed the bootom of the pit. I also remember your telling me later that it was there that you knew God was there with you. I have kept this memory all of my days and it has helped me too realize that NOTHING can separate us from the love of God who dwells within us all.
Love you, Auntie Moosch
My dear Auntie Moosch,
Sometimes I forget that you were all there suffering through these times with me. You have been more than my aunt you have been my dear friend. I have always been able to talk to you. I’m so glad I told you of this experience and you kept it in your heart. I love you more than I can say! Liblets
Sweet, sweet Libby<3 What a beautiful story of courage and love! I am sorry for your loss and the difficult experience you found yourself in:( These things are never easy to go through. I am truly happy that you found the love and support not only form those you can see with your eyes but feel with your heart and soul:)! Much luv and light to you sweet friend:)<3!
Daisy! Though our friendship is new…I’ve no doubt it will be a longtime and deep one! Thank you for your empathy and your love…have a beautiful day dear one 🙂 ❤
HI Libby, Thanks for posting your story ( I hope there is more to come)..I am still in the “pit” so to speak of and am just awaiting the Mighty truth and Power of God’s Word to come and shatter the lies that have entangled me for a lifetime..
You are such a blessing.